I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
