Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
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