Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
