i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
