There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
