If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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