This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you will always have a special place in my vag
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Panties = found
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
