That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
