The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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