a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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