Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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