I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
