You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
