No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
