Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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