"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
