tell your sister to shave her snatch
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
