Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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