I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
