Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
