Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
