I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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