My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He felt like a one man threesome
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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