Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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