Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
