WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
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