when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize