is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
