Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
