when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
birth control should be required to get into college
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
