I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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