I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He passed out mid-signature
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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