he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
