She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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