I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Randomize
