found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
