If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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