She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
