I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
