I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize