We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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