I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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