Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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