Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
