the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
