her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
