wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
