so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
