My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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