I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
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