I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
