I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
