Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
