I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
