sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
