this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
