why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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