I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
BRING THE BAGELS
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
These tits shall not be calmed
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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