I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Randomize