i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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