that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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