Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
