I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
